I type and then erase; repeat, repeat, repeat.
I’ve tried for weeks to try and find a way to write, to come up with something soft and humorous. Something warm and fuzzy. Something to make myself and you all smile. But the truth is, I’ve been having a very hard time trying to smile and well I guess it’s time I get a little bit vulnerable.
I’m about to get real here.
Some of you may have seen me lately smile or laugh, or both. It may have been real, or it may have been me hiding behind these emotions that everyone else expects me to have all the time. I don’t want to get into the details of what my life has been like since I’ve turned 29, all you need to know is that events have taken place and my life has been shook ever since. I feel like I’ve been walking through a tunnel, or in a daze and sometimes I even forget what happened in a day.
I’ve found myself every day for weeks now, late at night crying alone in my car in a parking lot in silence because I just want everything to stop. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to listen to music, I don’t even want to hear the sound of laughter. Just silence…..
Not only have I cried alone (because I hate crying in front of anyone), but I’ve felt like I’ve lost myself, like I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel suffocated and weak.
I feel like when I try to make time for myself someone else needs me. So I find the strength to put on some sort of acceptable clothing and put on some makeup to cover the fact that I’ve been crying, since I feel obligated to help or be there anyway I can because well, that’s who I am. I’m the “strong one.” And when the “strong one” shows any sort of emotion other than happy-go-lucky it’s like I’m not allowed to feel that way. Not that I don’t like being called strong other than if I’m not strong then I must be weak and the problem with being strong, is that no one really offers you a hand. . .
I’m not here writing to you to make you feel sorry for me but to make you think about self-love; something I need to start paying more attention to. Loving yourself and finding yourself again within the peaks and valleys of life is so important. It’s so crucial because when you’re alone at 2:30 in the morning in your car, in the shower, or lying on your floor shaking and crying and wishing all of this would end, who is really going to be there for you? YOU.
You have to pick yourself up. You have to take all of that love that you carry in your heart and give some to yourself. You have to become a priority in your own life.
No one else is me and I am no one else and I’m going to have to learn and grow with this developing and oh so essential self-love thing. I’m new to this recent self discovery but I’m excited to develop some new super powers and fall in love with myself again.
You’ve got to nourish to flourish