Okay so I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while and wasn’t sure when the ‘right time’ would be. However, given my current emotional state, I felt that the right time is any time I feel like.
So it will be now.
This is a safe place for myself to write and as it is open to the public to read and some of you I know personally, you are about to get to know me a bit differently and read some information that you may not have known before.
Here I go.
Anxiety/Depression, Depression/Anxiety, however you want to put it. These two go hand in hand and sure find sneaky ways of trying to get you to join in on their fun. For almost 10 years I have become familiar with the random knock to my mental, physical, and emotional doors which welcomes me with a constant fight back and forth with my mind. I’m sure we have all felt this knock before or struggled in a situation similar to not being in control of how we are feeling ,but I can only speak to my experiences.
I have been through some rough situations in my life that could have may or may not sparked these visitors. Situations where people who I thought were close to me have questioned. Situations where I was told that I was a liar and was playing the victim. Situations where I was told “You’re fine.”
(The saying “You’re fine,” is very similar to saying “I’m not trying to offend you but..” 100% of the time what you are going to say IS going to offend someone. Like telling someone who in their mind IS NOT fine, “You’re fine,” is NOT going to help them. If I am fine in those moments, then the spider hanging from my ceiling above my bed is about to be “fine.”)
Again speaking from my own experiences, I don’t struggle everyday but there are days or weeks where I feel like I’m out of my own body. It goes a little something like this:
– Feel like I can’t breathe
-My eyes go blurry
– I feel like I’m walking in slow motion
– My heart races
– I have a lump in my throat and stomach
– I can’t eat
-I’m in the bathroom for hours
– I don’t want to do anything
– I avoid social interactions as much as I can
– I throw up
– I cry
and sometimes I get into the bath and dunk my head under and wonder when it will ever end and go away.
I can try anything, breathing techniques, lavender oils, having a warm bath, meditating… but sometimes the feeling wants to stay for another cup of tea (as if I hadn’t already asked it to leave about a million times).
These feelings can come on randomly or they are brought on when something social is coming up. So of course, I know it’s all in my head and I am at constant worry that these unwanted visitors will show up and ruin my party but they still barge in. And when they do, they like to make their presence known like the bird who ruins your newly washed car with their “droppings.” We get it, you needed to go.
stop telling me I’m fine. Stop telling me to get over it. Stop telling me it’s all in my head (I know that), and please stop telling me “oh stop it.”
Support me. You may not understand the feelings that I’m feeling, or maybe you have shared similar ones, but know that in those moments I feel like my world is coming to an end.
I wasn’t sure the point of this post and I know that normally I’m here making fun of myself but I felt like I needed to be real. Many people have been telling me lately that I look so happy. Truth? I am! but on the inside I don’t have peace. On the inside I am struggling. Not all of the time, but some days I am. Days like today.
So people if I have any advice for you it would be, be kind to each other. You really have no idea what someone is going through and just because they may laugh or smile doesn’t mean they are happy. We need to stop telling each other what we think they should do and start supporting one another and helping one another get through.
And for those of you right now who have similar visitors once and a while and feel like crawling under your duvet and never coming out, I will support you and I’m right there with you. If you need to chat I am here to chat. Please share your thoughts or even coping techniques if you have any… no loitering am I right?
cuddles and love,